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Saturday, February 19, 2011

The Grass (Girls) are Greener (Better) on the Other Side (Melbourne)



We all suffer, to some degree, from a self-induced inferiority complex. Indeed, it is as they say: 'the grass is always greener on the other side'.

Be that as it may, I will obstinately argue that Sydney is a superior city to Melbourne. In fact, the grass is actually greener in Sydney. Literally. Melbourne grass is... shit. But whilst Sydney can boast greener grass, Melbourne can boast 'greener' women, and yes, this is coming from a proud Sydneian bachelor.

Sitting at a cafe in Glen Waverley (lots of great cafes here I might add), with a window view, wave after wave of beautiful women (hot chix) walked by or stood around for idle banter. I managed to prevent my chin from hitting the floor by resting it on a cup of coffee. I wished they had this channel on TV.

I thought, perhaps, that I was suffering from an inferiority complex, the 'grass is greener' syndrome, but after a week of staying in Melbourne, having not much to do but (for lack of a better word) perve, I have concluded that this could not possibly be the case. The ladies here are fine.

Still, I much prefer Sydney and am looking forward to going home this coming Monday. Looking forward to the greener grass. Sexy, sexy green grass. Jealous, Melbournians? Thought so.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Story Time


The day was gloomy, humid and sticky. Everyone wanted to get out of this tin can of a train carriage yet they were forced to sit in the blue pleather seats til their station. Some attempted to cool themselves off with makeshift fans out of newspaper, some had tissue to wipe off their sweat and others were shifting uncomfortably around in the packed rush hour seats.

I stood near the door, the only place with any type of ventilation, directed at a person through its tiny slits. "Next stop, Redfern". Great, its been 2 minutes and sweat has already covered my face. The people at Redfern get on, awkwardly squeezing themselves through the cracks of space within the carriage as most did not want to stand in the walkways. With awkward squeezing came awkward touching and with awkward touching came sweat transfer, a lot of sweat transfer...from skin to skin. *Shudder* As the door was about to close, she jumped on, throwing herself into the carriage like her life depended on it. Unfortunately she threw herself into the pole of the carriage, with a dull thud.

The pain on her face was obvious, the red mark on her forehead didn't fit in with her delicate features as they made a slight frown when she touched the bruise. Her build was slender with fair..proportions. Oh god shes looking at me, turn away turn away....oh yeah I can't turn away cause I'm stuck in this STUPID MOTHERF...TIN CAN. She takes a step towards me....turns and faces the door's window. She's also realised that the door was the coolest place in the carriage and I think I've just realised I shit my pants. "Next stop, Burwood". Her white button up flickered in the wind as the train picked up speed, randomly shifting as it sped through the smaller stations. Her hair was tied up in a bun and was a natural black. She wore a white t-shirt and grey jeans and black heels, the redness near her toes suggested they were a choice she'll regret later.

The people inside the carriage started to shift as we approached Burwood. Some people were polite enough to say 'Excuse me' while others just pushed their way through. Oh...right this is Burwood...and the train door opens on...my side. She looks at the people lining up behind her, and there doesn't seem to be any room other than...in front of me. She looks at me, I look at the door. She stands with her back facing me, attempting to dodge anyone trying to get out and get into the carriage as I forced myself to divert my thoughts out of my pants. The design of the carriage just had to have a pole behind where I was standing. Yes, I looked like a douche who was putting his crotch out while she was attempting to lean into my area.

The people in the carriage had left, leaving quite some space while others quickly went to the recently vacated seats. She moved to the other side of the door and leaned back against the wall as she looked out the window. As I took my glimpses and glances as the smaller stations passed,
The heat continued to torment the passengers of the train. She had a troubled look as she continued to look outside, as if a thought that had troubled her the entire day until, "Next stop, West Ryde". Damn, I turned to face the door, putting on my Ipod's earphones and tried to have Janice's "Chocolate Ice" cool me down as I made my way home.

I walked towards my bus stop, the clouds had started to gather, but the humidity of the day still had its effect. I stopped outside of the tattoo shop, put my bag down and took out my water bottle. As I took a gulp out of the water bottle, I hadn't noticed that she had gotten off the train. She stood, looking at the road's highest point, eagerly waiting for a bus to pop over that small hill in the road. Everyone was hoping the bus would arrive soon, she had beads of sweat trickling down the side of her neckline. I took another gulp of water.

The bus arrives and everyone was instantly relieved by the bus's air conditioning as they walked on. I decided to stand near the ticket machines, as it wasn't going to be a very long bus trip. I looked outside, the clouds had really gathered quickly and was rapidly turning into storm clouds as my stop approached.As I got off the bus, the cooler winds was heavenly, I pressed the button and waited for the signal. I had never realised that Janice's voice was this good until...waitaminute.

She pressed the button at the lights and waited beside it, looking very eager to cross as she quickly glanced up. I stood there, a little puzzled with her worried look, was she busting to go to the toilet?, Had she forgotten to take in the laundry?....her frowning continued on her pretty face. I was questioning my luck today, before the lights turned green for pedestrians. I walked across the street, and once again I pressed the button for the pedestrian lights. The gust from the speeding cars just after rush hour receded as the lights turned red. I felt a drop of rain land on my face....

Oh so that explains the troubled look, but wait, I think I have an umbrella in here....

I rummaged through my bag, searching its contents for the umbrella. It was nowhere to be found, but I was SURE that I had packed one in the morning. She had started to shield herself with her bag but the rain worsened. She ran when the lights for the crossing had turned green. I started to cross the road and closed my bag, giving up in my attempt to find an umbrella when, I realise that the umbrella was in an outside pocket. I hurried my steps a little..............

(Ok thats enough for today, I gotta make some good food for ma belleh. I might finish this story next time *Grin*)

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Tough Titties

They say that when it rains it pours. Well, when shit happens, it pours shit. Wave after wave of faeces falling from the sky, as if the man upstairs is sitting on the thunderbox suffering from a bout of food poisoning. And when the torrent of shit finally ends, you find yourself wading around in a pile of shit or worse - you have already drowned in it. What an indignity. To die in a pile of shit.

The way you respond to shit is indicative of your character or disposition.  You can whine. You can approach the nearest person and polish your knuckles. You can huddle in the corner of an unlit room, clutching your knees, as if they were the only things that kept you alive and breathing, drowning in your own tears, wallowing in self-pity. You can be pathetic. Or not.

Sometimes when shit happens, all you can say is: "tough titties," and move on.

Your computer crashes and you lose your 10,000 word dissertation. Tough titties.

You fail again and again to call a flirt when, in retrospect, it was so obvious. Tough titties.

You get turned down at the final round interview for an internship. Tough titties.

Your crush finds a boyfriend. Tough titties.

Your acne breaks out again just when you felt ready to date after years of hiatus. Tough titties.

Your parents don't love each other anymore. Tough titties.

Life is shit sometimes. Throw some anti-diharreal Imodium in the sky, have a cry, but move on. Because you know what? Tough motherfucking titties.