Needing Someone

It was only recently that I was privileged enough to be requested by a good friend of mine, to act as a tour guide for a group of Japanese students around Sydney. He told me with arched eyebrows that seemed to oscillate up and down around their positions of equilibrium, that if I was lucky, I would be allocated to a group of excited young Japanese women. I would like to clarify two points before I continue. One, I have no particular affinity for young women (and indeed no affinity at all towards… well you know). Two, I would never (never) possess any alternate agenda other than to be a decent tour guide (never). That aside, I was nevertheless slightly disheartened when I learned that I was allocated to a group of excited young… men. Damn. So close. I was only missing the ‘woo’ (phonics people) and indeed I could do no wooing that day. It was only later that I discovered that I was purposely allocated to an all male group. My friend had cunningly allocated all those that were already engaged in a relationship to guide the groups of excited young Japanese women. Needless to say, I was not one of those that were already engaged in a relationship. If only I was in a relationship… oh wait. That would defeat the purpose. Regardless, I puffed out my chest, grimaced a smile and introduced myself warmly (as warmly as I could for it was after all a cold day… in many respects) to these boys and as it turned out, I had a wonderful (if not rather quirky) day.

During the course of the tour, I was approached by one of the boys (giggling, ironically, like a bunch of school girls) who eventually braved whatever consequences he thought might occur subsequent to what he was about to say, and asked “harro Sunny. Do you have a girlfriend?” My initial reaction was to give him a quizzical look. Why is it that he is asking me this question? Is he practicing his English? Is he wondering whether I am proof that men with ‘dashing good looks’ (lol) always have girlfriends? Do I appear homosexual? Is he homosexual? I brushed away all these thoughts and laughed. Funny question. “No. I don’t,” I replied. “Oh…” He murmured. Did I sense a hint of disappointment? The response was followed a short period of silence. “I am sorry,” he says after a while, breaking the silence. And again, I gave him a quizzical look. Sorry that I do not have a girlfriend? Or sorry for asking? If the former, why be apologetic?

As I pondered that question alone in bed, I was reminded of several instances where I was asked similar questions. “Sunny, what’s wrong with you?” my sister would ask from time to time. “Everyone else your age has a girlfriend. Why don’t you?” The same response would ensue each time: a shrug of the shoulders followed by a cheeky “why don’t you have a boyfriend?” End conversation. “So are you in a relationship?” a newly acquired acquaintance would query. “No, not really looking for anyone at the moment,” I would reply. “Not even for the hot hot sex?” No response.

I don’t get it. Is it a crime to be single, or dare I say it; desire to be ‘single’? For so long I have convinced myself that I do not need a ‘partner’ to be happy, and indeed, arguably, I am happy. But as these questions are posed to me, my stubborn stance falters. Hairline cracks begin to form along my stoic, emotionless surface: I begin to doubt myself. Where once I was absolutely certain about my position on this topic, I now wonder whether I have subconsciously created a ficade of immunity to (and I am saying, or rather typing this, with gritted teeth) ‘love’ so realistic that I truly believe I am immune to it. Am I delusional? Have I constructed a concrete veil to shield a plethora of insecurities?

I venture further into the recesses of my memory. Many of my recent conversations revolve around highlighting the fact that my circle of friends (or at least a portion of my circle of friends) is experiencing terrible form in the relationship game. Am I also a culprit of imbuing a sense of doubt into others by asking the very same questions that have been posed to me?

Darwinists would point and ridicule at my sentiments. One must breed to survive. One cannot do so without a partner. Silly human. Perhaps we are all Darwinists; in which case I should be pointing and ridiculing myself… what a loser. Doesn’t even want to survive. Though conversely, if one does indeed adopt a Darwinist approach, one might argue that in order to survive one should aim to be single. I am referring to those who get whipped in relationships (cough Yang).

Whatever. Walls are easily plastered and so I will plaster it for the umpteenth time; the cracks never truly disappear, but I have become a pretty decent DIY guy. You know, I really detest contemplating such things. Truly. Especially when I am in holiday mode, as I should not be using my brain at all! I am happy in my own little bubble and I believe it. Now back to perving on Korean girls on allkpop. God bless Korean idols.